|
Global economics explained....with cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:You have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholders who sell the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. Created : 01/09/2008 Real ads from the lonely-hearts column:
Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, \r\nGemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango \r\nsessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. \r\nMust have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08\r\n
\r\nAberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. \r\nBox06/03\r\n
\r\nHeavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict \r\ninterested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps \r\non Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.\r\n
\r\nBitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime \r\nfiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing \r\nstill exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box \r\n53/41\r\n
\r\nGinger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after \r\na few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, \r\nmaybe more. Box 84/87\r\n
\r\nArtistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the \r\nbeach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown \r\nrice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and \r\nmore as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's \r\nbeautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32\r\n
\r\nChartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will \r\ninclude cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office \r\nsocial functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45\r\n
\r\nBad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bast**d living in a damp cottage in \r\nthe arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady \r\nwith big chest. Box 40/27\r\n
\r\nDevil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining \r\nand dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and \r\nslaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light \r\nof a pale moon. Box 52/07\r\n
\r\nAttractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler \r\ncompetition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, \r\nseeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent \r\ncomfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! \r\nBox 30/41\r\n
\r\nGovan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for \r\nthe night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm\r\nCreated : 01/09/2008 The Annoying Wife
Would You Remarry?
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not? Don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem to be the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would you give her my jewellery?
HUSBAND: No, I'm sure she'd want her own.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left handed.
WIFE: --silence-- Created : 13/01/2008 The Lone Ranger
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,
'I'd like to speak to my horse ... alone.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen very carefully for.... the.... last....f**king time,
I said.....'BRING POSSE' Created : 21/10/2008
|
